Here I Sit

Here I sit, empty feeling inside, staring up and looking at the sky,

Asking over and over again, why take Steve, why?

You have taken my husband, the one true love of my life,

After only just a year of becoming husband and wife.

We had so many plans ahead, our future all mapped out,

We were looking forward to our holidays, Steve said “Living is what it’s about”.

Marrakesh, Thailand, each state to visit in the USA,

Retiring to Miami Beach, sipping cocktails along the way.

My heart and my body is broken, you are no longer by my side,

To hold my hand, to cuddle me, be my strength and be my guide.

I no longer hear you snore, my nights are so empty all alone,

Tears roll on my pillow each night wishing you were home.

I still say ‘I love you’ before I close my eyes,

You used to say it first and then wait for my reply.

Every evening I would patiently wait and look forward to hear my phone ping,

You would tell me you were leaving work and at Stanmore you would ring.

From our weekly Chinese takeaway, they knew exactly what we would eat,

To Sushi Sunday from Hadar, Katy’s favourite Sunday lunch treat.

We would love laying on the sofa watching lots of TV,

Then laugh after wondering who fell asleep first, was it you or was it me?

Whenever I popped out you never let me go alone,

‘I’ll come with you’ you would say, ‘Don’t go on your own’.

I looked forward to weekends taking the dogs on a long walk,

Our time just you and me, we never found it hard to talk.

No secrets, no lies there was nothing to you I couldn’t say

I trusted you completely, we had each others back come what may.

All I have of you now are the memories to keep inside my heart,

As my future with you is gone, my life has completely fallen apart.

To contemplate the future without you is impossible to do,

What’s life without my husband, my soul mate and best friend too?

Family and friends ring each day to check that I’m ok,

I smile and put on a brave face just to get through another day.

All I am waiting for is to be told this has all been a bad nightmare,

And If I close my eyes and re-open them I will see you standing there.

My daily routine is different now, my day doesn’t start with you,

A snooze, a dog walk, a shower, you spending ages in the loo.

Instead when I wake there is silence, the hustle and bustle has completely gone,

In my head I’m shouting at G-d to tell him he’s got it all wrong.

You’ve taken the wrong one, give him back as Steve was honest, hard-working and fun,

He was a much loved husband, a father, a brother and a very precious son.

I’m not taking a pill, I will be strong for I’m grieving, I’m not depressed,

I was told to write down my feelings and get them off my chest.

Everyone uses the word ‘Time’, I’m told as time goes you will celebrate not cry,

As time moves on I will learn to live and not keep asking why.

But right now life is so cruel and unfair, I just want to touch and hold you tight,

But I will continue to say good morning, talk to you each day and tell you, you’re my shining light.

A Year On

The first anniversary of how my life changed forever is approaching soon,

It's when the sun that was always shining left and went behind the moon.

My way of coping with the darkness is to lock away how I truly feel,

That when this virus came and took my love I definitely got the bum deal.

During my first year of grief I have met some amazing people along the way,

Some I now consider my family as we help each other get through each day.

 

The tears rain hard, the pain is strong, the emptiness so deep,

Some days are ok, some days too tough, many a night I dont sleep.

But every day I put on a smile and be the strong woman everyone knows,

I cant unlock pandoras box of heartache that's not what I must show.

I have to try and accept the hand of cards been dealt like so many others this year,

Try to start a new normal and face all new challenges head on with little fear.

I take some comfort in the fact Steve gave me strength and that I have to be ok,

Steve you will always be in my heart and mind as I live through each day.